On the Outside

Cool new thang: when I got my bloodwork done, the lady filling up those tubes said that I could read my results online in less than 2 days. Brand new service offered by the lab.

Pretty cool.

And as I logged in and refreshed obsessively half a day later, I found zero satisfaction in what I saw when the results finally popped up.

My A1C was the same as before. And yet, I felt so blah about the whole thing. I was tired. I am tired. And is this my first diabetes burnout? I don’t even know what qualifies anymore. My mind is foggy.

Lately everything has been exhausting. I write in my journal with no filter, then read a few days later in horror at what I have put down on paper. I am so incredibly mean to myself. It’s abuse really. I am so highly critical I don’t even want to share with you one sentence. It’s disgusting really.

I am anxious and heartbroken and exhausted and just feel done. This is supposed to be my rest time. There’s no races, no scheduled training. Work is ramping up but not too much. And yet, I am covered in sadness and find it hard to drag myself out of bed or even make breakfast.

I’ve forgotten to have fun, to laugh and as each day passes, that little bit of hopelessness and uncertainty in myself creeps into my brain. Throughout my life I have dealt with anxiety and depression-but this time it seems like it’s wave after wave. The water seems too high and I don’t have the energy to fight.

When I get a low I just stare at it. When it’s time to treat I become extremely irritable (I wasn’t like this before). When my seizures come on I weep so badly my eyes are swollen the next day.

I’ve been wearing my CGM on and off. I know the information is valuable, but I also look down at the screen and can feel defeated. There’s tiny scars on my belly from the instances where I’ve scratched so hard and ripped it off. Two seconds later I regret the move.

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Keeping up this blog as well as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram is just weighing me down. I don’t want to talk about diabetes right now. Can I have a break!?

Is anyone else out there feeling like this? HAVE you felt like this?

This isn’t meant to be a poor me entry. It’s real purpose is to show that despite the overall tone of my site (you can do it! let’s exercise and be happy), I do feel this way sometimes too. Right now, I feel pretty bad.

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7 Comments

  1. You definitely deserve a break! I think it’s mentally good for everyone to take a break from the constant upkeep of diabetes. I’m not saying let it go haywire, but let your mind breathe and not worry about it so often. For myself, I’ve been doing a lot of Basal testing trying to get my number better as I have been having problems; but for the past week or two I stopped recording every number and changing my rates. Everyone needs a break here and there 🙂

    Reply

    1. Thank you James. You don’t know how much it means to me to hear someone else say that. I think I beat myself up so much and it’s sooooo good to know and hear from someone else that hey, it’s okay. So. Many. Hugs.

      Reply

  2. Yep your not alone, I experienced a burnout last month, so much so I pushed myself into such a state I thought I was having a heart attack and was hospitalised! If your like me you probably look at the cgm a billion times a day?? Not good mentally, sometimes we need to find a way to step back and breathe. Hope you have a better time and remember your def not the only one. Sorry if you don’t feel unique now, haha. Take care. Kyle

    Reply

    1. Thank you Kyle 😀 Yes, I can totally relate. I definitely need to take a step back and breathe. Can’t tell you what it means to have support here in the virtual world. I’m glad there are others (not to share in the pain) but to know there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

      Reply

  3. Hi, Jess!
    For what it’s worth, I think you’re describing a very normal thing. Diabetes is a fucking grind and I’m often amazed by how we’re able to just keep pushing through it all as if there’s no energy expense to it all. Bullshit. It’s all hard work. Every bit of it.

    Most of the time we’re able to kick ass and keep going. And sometimes we need to pull back, take a breath, and honor the feelings we’re experiencing.

    Ebbs & flows, right?

    Hang in there. The pendulum swings back the other way. And I actually think it’s a huge accomplishment to simply recognize that you’re feeling this way. Now you can work on some coping mechanisms (one might be just to simply be where you are for a while).

    And I hope it also felt helpful to write about it. That’s a very powerful aspect of blogging in my opinion, and one that I treasure.

    You’ve got this.

    Reply

    1. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get to meet you but if I do, please expect one of those long awkward hugs where you’ll think, ‘this is beyond the socially appropriate time for a hug for the first time but I’m just going to go with it because I’m nice’. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me and give me encouragement. Sometimes with this blog I feel it’s my duty in a sense to be “rah rah exercise and love life and be positive”. I feel this way because I see so many people blogging and tweeting about how terrible t1d can be which I also totally agree. I almost feel a sense of guilt just saying that hey, I’m not doing well. But you are absolutely right. This is something with ebbs and flows and we need to really respect and take in what we are feeling. Thank you again Scott. Big non-awkward virtual hugs!

      Reply

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