My worst diabetes day: lowest low, a diabetes proclamation without my permission & what helps

I am usually the queen preacher of positivity. 

The reason you don’t see me expressing my diabetes distaste or frustration often is because I think there’s enough of it out there. And it’s not to knock people for expressing a negative thought. It’s just not what I choose to do most of the time on my social media outlets.

I have my bad moments.

My dark days.

I think this is something you need to know about me. I find this damn hard. 

There’s been many episodes of uncontrollable tears and an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. This is the part that many don’t see. And it’s not just us. It’s all people with invisible illnesses whether it’s mental, physical, or both. 

If someone asked me how I was handling my type 1 diabetes (diagnosed in 2012), my honest answer would be, “not well”.

 

I’m writing this entry after my lowest hypoglycaemic episode. I went below 1.1 mmo/L (or 19 mg/dl). This was 3/4 into my run.

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I managed to get myself up and out of trouble, but I’m sure the severe drop didn’t contribute well to what transpired after. 

Long story short, I was presented with an “herbal tea” that was supposed to “be good for my diabetes”. I scoffed at it, went to another room and just broke down. It was also given to me by someone whom I am…not a fan of. Deeply not passionate about, you know, that one person who gets under your skin and just makes your blood boil. I was NOT aware she knew about my diabetes (told WITHOUT my permission). All this was fuel to the fire, the latter revelation being the worst.

I think I could tell this story until I’m blue in the face to my non-d friends and family, but it wouldn’t do much. I would hear words of sympathy and smiles of compassion, however I know no matter how hard they tried to comprehend it, they wouldn’t get it.

I don’t get that same sense of peace I do when I connect and open up with other diabetics. 

The more d-people I meet and talk candidly about my type 1, the better I feel.

I sometimes feel like curling up into a ball and crying in a corner. There are so many things I haven’t decided yet: who I want to know, how I want to contribute to the diabetes community, what to keep private, what is important to share so others don’t feel alone.

While I’m telling this story my hands are usually over-animating, my eyes are slightly bulging and I’m trying to coherently express how angry/sad/frustrated I can become. Nowadays there is a person across the table at a coffee shop, that is part of my growing diabetes family, who is looking at me and saying, “I understand”. 

So maybe they don’t understand and are just humouring me? It doesn’t really matter. I feel less alone. Less scared. And a moment of feeling just so miserable gets a little bit better. 

It doesn’t solve the ignorance. It doesn’t take away the pain. But it acts like a big bandaid, providing a buffer and sense of support until things get a bit better. 

The one blessing I have gotten from this horrible disease is that of finding amazing people who have helped me through my darkest days.

I am forever thankful for them, and for you the #DOC. I don’t know what I’d do without you. 

J

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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11 Comments

  1. Sorry about the tough day. Stay strong!

    (BTW, I’m envious of your workout routine! It’s awesome and I wish I had the time to do something like that.)

    Reply

    1. Thanks Mike 😀 I’m currently on hiatus with that routine because I’m doing the 100 miles in January challenge. It’s really testing my limits haha and I love it but I’m also glad when it will be over.

      Reply

  2. Unfortunately “those people” are around and we can’t get rid of them. One of my friends once told me that if I only accepted god into my life he would heal my diabetes. I proceeded to verbally bitch slap that person followed by me leaving the situation and never talking to that person again.
    We will always run into these fruit loops. You’ve got us though! and we are realistic. Diabetes, it’s with us for the rest of our lives. Yup. ’nuff said.
    be safe out there! I hope you have a better day today.

    Reply

    1. Thank you Scully! Haha fruit loops. That makes me laugh. I feel very fortunate to have you guys. I can only imagine the days when I would have to pee to test and had no internet to call an online home.

      Reply

  3. Just seeing that blood sugar of 1.1 (19 in American, ha ha) makes me feel your pain! While I am definitely not new to T1D, I am just as new to the DOC as you are, and I agree that it can be a great source of support and info. It also helps me to remember all that I accomplish on my “good” days so that when the bad ones come (and they will), I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    Reply

  4. I’ve never seen a number that low on my meter, the lowest I’ve seen is 26 and it was scary.

    I don’t get why people think it’s okay to “out” someone’s medical condition (whether it’s diabetes or something else). It’s so hard to find people in “real life” that really get it. Even my husband, the person closest to me doesn’t always get it.

    You are so positive and supportive, that I’m so glad you’re one of my “online friends.” It’s okay to rant sometimes though and ask us for support or understanding.

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much for this Rachel. I think this is one of the messages I will write down in my notebook so when I’m feeling blue I can turn back to it and reflect. Do you know what prompted your lowest low?

      Reply

  5. Sorry to hear that you had a tough day, but congrats on being able to admit that you’ve had a bad day!

    I always used to be torn on complaining about diabetes as well. I didn’t want to come across as being overly negative. I also didn’t want pity. Therefore, I kept my mouth shut. I can fully understand why somebody wouldn’t want to complain about it.

    I also, however, understand the difficulties of dealing with this disease. I understand the toll that it can take on oneself. I also know the importance of self-expression for mental health, so I have no problem with posts like this. Venting is essential to you mental health, so don’t be afraid to post “negative” posts in the future!

    Reply

    1. I really love how honest you are in your posts. I can see you can relate to my train of thought but you are absolutely right, sometimes you need to vent and get it out. Looking forward to your next post 😀

      Reply

  6. […] My Worst Diabetes Day…, t1dactiveliving.  This is a blog I started following after connecting with the blogger on Instagram during the Runner’s World Holiday Run Streak.  It is written by a fellow runner also trying to figure out how to train while managing diabetes; in her case, type 1 diabetes, which seems to be much more complicated than what I experience with type 2 diabetes.  This post hits home on the hidden frustrations of living with a chronic condition, and how others who don’t understand can make things even more difficult.  Sometimes it’s comforting to be supported by those who are experiencing the same challenges. […]

    Reply

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